People who were
unfortunate stupid enough to join Arkham Asylum's staff, past and present. Mercifully, all, with the exception of Harley Quinn (Who was too cute to bust up), are currently deceased due to the budget cuts, or simply because their real employer, the Joker, got bored and decided to do away with their miserable jobs (not to mention lives). Each of these random individuals were fit for a career at Arkham Asylum, where they worked hard to make the inmates’ escape plans as easy as possible for them. They not only demonstrated ridiculously poor judgment, but little if any sense of self preservation during their careers. Due to the high employee death rate staff turnover, each of these positions are now open for anyone interested at Arkham.
Known Staff Members
- The Joker - The real director of Arkham Asylum, the Madhouse. If you don't believe this, expect to have your pencil sharpened.
- Nina - Cell Keeper at Arkham Asylum. Self-proclaimed ninja from the stars with 99 personalities. They called him Nina, and he was a compulsive alcoholic from Ireland. They called him Nina because when he would brag that he learned the techniques of the Ninja back when he was the assassin known as Snake Doctor. Although he had multiple personality disorder and was deemed fitter to be an inmate himself, the Joker apparently decided he was just the person needed for a job at the asylum. He was finally murdered as the final victim of Psylocke during her mission to eliminate all fanboys in her universe.
- Gump - Cell Keeper at Arkham Asylum. A southern-cowboy programed master of gumps, and the last fanboy of the Final Frontier. A red shirt, he collected mint condition comic books and holocomics. He also had a stash of toy Power Rings, and served for a long time as one of Arkham's most memorable staff members. Eventually, Gump took up company with the crew of a starship orbiting space known as Enterprise. Here, he was hunted down by Psylocke, who led him to a secluded area and slashed him to death.
- Lumpy Custard - Self-proclaimed cook of Arkham Asylum. She went by the alias 'Aunt Lumpy' while at her job. Originally, Lumpy was feared for her horrible tofu, but was hired on staff at Arkham Asylum because they wished to cause the inmates pain. Many of the disgruntled patients lost what reason they had left after trying her food, and rose up in revolt to destroy Custard and her cooking. While they were thwarted by her tofu, Custard's doom came when she served the Arkham staff terrible food too and they committed her as an inmate herself. She fared rather poorly, getting torn apart by vengeful cellmates.
- Billy Arrowsmith - Cell Keeper at Arkham Asylum. A crazed madman known often by his nickname "Lol Blondz", and an armed bank robber who specifically targeted high-security mob banks owned by the Sesame Street Mafia, spending his loot at Gotham City pizza buffets. As one of the Joker's henchmen, he was appointed to a job at Arkham. Later, however, his end came when he believed Psylocke could be the ultimate wife if he had her switch bodies with a female assassin named Kwannon, only to get a pencil rammed through his head by an angry Psylocke after the deed was done.
- Ignacio Fuentes - Janitor at Arkham Asylum. Secretly a "Janitaur", or half bull, half man, who terrorized Gotham City's streets by night. He was visiting his mother, a Cell Keeper at Arkham, when he was hired for a janitorial role. His daily cleaning of the corridors got him acquainted with the asylum's many inmates, and he was on staff during the Joker's first escape. When the patients rebelled against Lumpy Custard to kill her and destroy the kitchens, Fuentes, now known as 'El Janitor', helped break them free from their cells. After thrashing the asylum's kitchens, he was incapacitated by Custard's tofu. Upon discovering his secret life as a 'Janitaur', the Arkham staff had him declared insane and placed him in the same cell as Aunt Lumpy, who consumed him whole when he tried to exact his revenge upon her.
- Arkham Security Guard - Security Guard at Arkham Asylum. No one knows where he comes from, no one cares to know. Little is known of the sole guard at Arkham's murky past. His face has never been revealed, instead concealed at all times by a tinted protective helmet, perfect for blocking rotten tomatoes and eggs thrown at his face by unruly inmates. Apparently, the guard's job is utterly worthless, since half the time the Arkham inmates escape despite his efforts, and half the time he has orders by the Joker to let them purposely escape. He demonstrated poor judgement and a lack of self-preservation during his career, and was murdered by Deadpool in his (un)reliable story of his origin.
- Jack "Madclaw" Garatule - Cell Keeper at Arkham Asylum. Rumored to be a furry, rapid beast with massive claws that the Joker hired for a joke and the staff tolerated out of fear. However, Jack "Madclaw" Garatule in fact used the alias 'El Gara' at night, and secretly a huge fanboy of the DC Universe. One of the last Cell Keepers to join the Arkham staff, he was seduced by Psylocke, who, when she discovered he was romantically involved with Poison Ivy, sold him into slavery to White Martians. Like most other residents of Mars, he perished when the entire planet was destroyed by a out-of-orbit moon which crashed directly into it.
- Jonathan Crane - Psychiatrist at Arkham Asylum. Crane was a well-read professor who was respected across the field of the studies of the human mind. He got a successful job as a professor at a university, but was fired for dangerous experiments with the students. Naturally, he was deemed fitter for a job at Arkham, where no one could hear the inmates scream. For a while, he enjoyed brutally torturing his patients with nearly poisonous untested toxic fear gases. He turned many of the mentally ill residents of the asylum into a raging beasts, then locked them up in isolation cells to hide his experiments from mankind. The asylum guard patrolled the area, which was outfitted with security gates and cameras to prevent anyone from discovering what was happening behind the closed doors. Though at first the staff allowed this to go on, finally Crane became a little too unethical, even for Arkham's standards, and was dismissed. This enraged him, and finally drove him to crime as a costumed criminal.
- The Geek - Cell Keeper at Arkham Asylum. One of the first members on staff at Arkham, 'the Geek' was a super-powered, self-proclaimed geek who allied himself with the Joker to making the world laugh and Gotham City suffer. Later, he founded a hermitage in a swamp for his time away from the asylum, where he took in Psylocke, who had already killed at least three Arkham staff members, all Cell Keepers. She planned on killing the geek the next morning, but kept putting it off. The Geek taught her to stay calm and control herself, sending her out to kill a past ally. Psylocke targeted Jack Nicholson, and both failed to survive the mission thanks to the interference of the former Deadpool.
- Thomas Rattim - Cell Keeper at Arkham Asylum. A communist minion of the Joker appointed to a high position in Arkham's staff, apparently an odd pattern among the asylum staff members. Rattim has also been diagnosed as a chronic madman and a cannibal, eating human brains with toast. Most famously, he claimed to be able to perform certain magic tricks, although it remains to be seen if he mastered the Joker's favorite. Seemingly stricken with senseless acts of destruction and breaking things, it is rumored that he was supposed to be given an inmate form for admittance into Arkham, but was mistakenly handed a staff application instead.
- Harleen Quinzel - Psychologist at Arkham Asylum. A resident of Gotham City, she attended Harvard University and majored in the field of mental health. As a budding young doctor, she was assigned by the asylum's now-ex director to cure the Joker of his 'homicidal psychosis', but recognized that Arkham was in fact merely a vacation spot for supervillains and mass murderers. Quinzel fell in love with the Joker's eyes during their first therapy session, and became convinced that serving the Joker was what expected of her at the asylum (which, in a way, is actually true). She then dubbed herself 'Harley Quinn', put on a clownish costume to match the Joker's theme, and disturbed the inmates by shooting several patients and turning on other Arkham staff members. Due to inmate complaints, the Joker had her evicted from the grounds, but continued to maintain close ties with her.
- Unnamed Arkham Asylum Director - The very first director of Arkham Asylum. Unlike all of the other staff members in Arkham's history, the first director was neither insane nor corrupt, (basically, he was no fun). He ran Arkham as a vacation spot for supervillains, and suffered from a mild case of multiple personality disorder. While the reasonable side of him was neither insane nor corrupt, the other sides of his personality were. Over a period of time, he adopted several aliases, including Amadeus Arkham, Jeremiah Arkham, Charles Cavadish, and Quincy Sharp. He has also been fired by the Joker time and time again for being such a bore, but keeps returning to be head of the asylum again. Some have speculated that he is a different person each time, or maybe security can't remember his face. The Joker finally took to running the asylum directly himself, and had the director dragged away by El Janitor with the rest of the garbage, throwing him into a nearby trash can.