- "Whats your name? Mr. Freeze? I think I may be the result of Mrs. Freeze rolling around in a hotel bed with sperm stains. You're my Step-Dad!"
- ―Duela Dent, telling yet another story of how she came to be.
Duela Dent's history varies from day to day. One day, she'll say she's the result of the Joker and Harley Quinn's angry sex. Another she'll state she was born to a gypsy who was raped by Wildebeest. Some days she thinks she was born in Arkham Asylum after Two-Face made love to Poison Ivy. On occasion she'll say that she was born to Catwoman and Batman after their disastrous affair. Once a week she goes with the story that she was the reborn baby sister of the Riddler. Every two years she states she was a clone of one of the Penguin's female minions. On occasion she says she was the result of drug induced sex between the Scarecrow and Starfire when she worked as a prostitute in Gotham City. Twice a month she says she was the result of Doctor Light getting paid to donate his sperm to a woman that couldn't have children. Once every other Sunday she insists she is the albino daughter of Tupac and Jessica Simpson.
Not only did Dent's past change, but she also changed her name and, indeed, her continuity! Duela Dent also went under the name of Mary Jane Watson, in her attempts to not only gain complete and utter domination of Gotham City but also to bed Peter Parker in addition to Bateman. I don't think any of us can really, truly understand why this particular firecrotch decided to stoop to the level of men such as Bateman and Peter Parker. Well, Bateman wasn't really a man. He was more of a... pencil. She did see the error of her ways, however, and ran away from Bateman and the child of hers and his. She was so desperate to escape this life that she even jumped continuities to escape him, taking on the name of Mary Jane Watson!
Her Final mistake, however, was stating that she was the daughter of Doomsday. Doomsday through a fit, escaped his deathly prison, fought his was through Gotham, and crushed her neck. Serves her right.
- "I was born in the wagon of a travelin' show, my momma used to dance for the money they'd throw, Papa Harley Quinn did what he could! Momma was the Joker... Or was it the Wildebeest?"
- ―Duela Dent's song of her early life.
Duela Dent had multiple early lives. This was not the result of greediness, or even confusion, nor was she reborn on multiple occasions. Instead, she just had... multiple early lives. On Tuesdays, Duela was the daughter of Harley Quinn and the Joker. On Wednesdays, she was born in the back of a traveling show, where her mother used to dance for the money they'd throw, then the Wildebeest raped her mother and she was the rape child of the Wildebeast. On Thursdays, Batman and Catwoman were her parents. On Fridays, the Riddler was her brother. And so it went on, with Duela Dent having been born to different parents and having had a different early life depending on what day of the week it was. On Sundays, Dent had such a massive hangover from a night on the batter that she didn't wake up until the next morning and so didn't have the time to discover her parenthood on such a day.
Duela Dent tickled mice for a living. Yes, this is a sport for which you can be paid. Some people like to do things to mice that requires them to be tickled first, and that's where Duela came in. One day, Robin was a bit bored. Now, whining little gobshite that Robin is, Robin had no lady friends. Robin couldn't even buy any lady friends. So he came to Dent for a mouse. Dent, realizing just how much she could get from this, claimed to be the daughter of Two-Face (and so we can deduce that she met Robin on a Monday) Bored of her life as a mouse tickler, Dent maintained that she wanted to join the Teen Titans, because she
was bored wanted something helpful to do. Yeah... Dent wanted something "helpful" to do... You think she's evil, manipulative, overtly sexual, dangerous and deadly but, really... She just wants to spend her days making daisy chains!
But don't we all? <insert name here>
loves making daisy chains all day long.
- "Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped."
- ―Duela Dent's life philosophy.
With Duela Dent in the ranks of the Teen Titans, the Teen Titans now began to focus around a life of sex, drugs and
rock 'n' roll booze. But, soon, Duela Dent's past life began to change, and considering herself to be the daughter of the Joker, Dent left the Teen Titans. She wanted a new name. She wanted a cool new name. She wanted a cool, evil, super awesome, super villainous name like that of her father, somehow related to cards. Duela Dent was a gambler, just like her father. She hated her father. Her father was a drinker and a fiend, and one night he goes off crazier than usual. Now, he didn't like that. Not one bit. So, he took a playing card and shoved it down Duela's throat. Now, I'm not going to go into the details of how, but this card did one day "emerge" from Duela Dent. And what was on this card? This card was a Joker. So Dent needed to have a female equivalent of the Joker for her name when she went freelance after leaving the Teen Titans. Well, Killer Moth was already taking. Wait a minute... female joker is a Killer Moth? How the fuck did she get that? I don't think we'll ever know. But, eventually, after much thinking (women can think?) Dent came up with a name.
And so Duela Dent began a career as an exotic dancer, taking in those stray, desperate men before beating them round the head with a spandex hammer and throwing them off a cliff. First, though, of course, Dent told them interesting stories about her past life. And then she killed them. This meant that Duela Dent was taken to Arkham Asylum, where all the madmen go. She was labelled as a schizophrenic-man seducing and fucking-anarchy loving-story telling-crazy-insane lunatic. While there, at least Duela got to meet one of her fathers. The Joker and Duela Dent got on quite well, it seems, and Duela Dent was given a present of purple spandex to replace her gold ones by her father, who wore a lot of purple. Dent had a strange obsession with spandex. I can't see what she liked about that supportive, tight, comforting, appearance enhancing and totally awesome material. But she saw something in it, and the Joker even taught Dent how to do a special little magic trick with a pencil! But Dent was never as good at it as her father. Shame.
Deula DID escape Arkha, eventually! Something so daring, so painful, something that requires so much skill that only 90% of Arkham Asylum's patients have managed to do it! Now that is real security, eh Guantanemo Bay? Having escaped from the Asylum, Duela's eyes were a little... off. This meant that her overtly sexual personality was so desperate for some lovin' that she even settled for bedding Bateman. This wasn't a good thing, however. Duela Dent got preggers from this (preggers being the word Bateman used to describe her current predicament) and when her eyes sorted themselves out, she realized just how big a mistake she'd made. Well, when we say "made a mistake", we quite literally mean made a mistake. She made the baby who was a mistake. You got it now? Good. Because Dent was so pissed off that she'd done this, and so desperate to escape Bateman's groping, clammy graphite (for he was a pencil) that she fled into another continuity. Clever, eh? She was so awesome that she fled into another continuity.
- "*Sigh* A woman is like a laxative... she annoys the crap out of you."
- ―Doctor Octopus having met Duela.
No one knows what happened to this strange love child of Duela Dent and Bateman's, but Dent left 'it' behind when she fled continuities. For some reason, Dent decided to stay as a firecrotch when she swapped to New York. In New York, the woman who now called herself Mary Jane Watson still appeared as a ravishing, firm bosomed young woman, and posed as the friend of local sniveling rich boy Peter Parker. If he hadn't been rich, or worn spandex when he posed as Spiderman, Mary Jane wouldn't have turned an eye when she saw him! But he did, probably to suck up to her. Peter had never really spoken to any woman before, and didn't know that spandex was normally a sign that he wasn't looking for women at all but rather men... But he wised up. For the movie version of Spiderman is a fake compared to the real one, who is infinitely more cool and badass! First, however, Mary Jane had a short fling with the evil and yet strangely alluring man named Otto Octavius, who would later become Doctor Octopus himself!
We don't know how Spiderman (the real one that hadn't had his cool character raped by that asshole Toby Maguire) managed to attract Watson over Otto the Octopus, but all we know is
he's called the Stig that whatever happened saw Doctor Octopus become Doctor Octopus, gain metal arms, and become very pissed off at Spiderman. It also saw Spiderman get laid (Score!) by Dent and impregnate her, for the second time. (Score!) Seeing as lil' Momma Otto still wanted Watson, she knew she was never in any real danger from him, and so was able to take her baby to the hospital. This baby had a problem. This baby's problem began with "h" and end in "erpes". This problem child even had a name. It's name was Richard Flynnius Parker, who was the first child and gained superpowers from his two parents. Unfortunately, Spiderman's "geeky" side rubbed off on the poor kid, so he became rather super-geeky. Or supergeeky. Or supergeeky1. Take your pick.
Life as Mary Jane Watson, however, became rather boring after that. Beating up a few people alongside Spiderman or breaking a guy's arms made of metal gets so boring after a while, and do you really want to look after a supergeeky1 baby with herpes? Shut up, you in the front row who's saying yes! Therefore, Mary had to get her kicks in other ways. So she went back to her schizophrenic ways, and took on her biggest challenge yet. To her husband, Mary claimed to be the daughter of Doomsday. Doomsday, however, was so pissed off that a firecrotch claimed to be his daughter that he boldly battled and rampaged his way out of Arkham Asylum, (Or groveled with/bribed/cajoled/begged a security guard to help him escape) solely to cross continuities and break Mary's neck. Needless to say, Mary "Duela" Jane "Dent" Watson, child of Harley Quinn, the Joker, Doomsday, Wildebeast, Catwoman, the Penguin, the Riddler, the Scarecrow, StarFire, Doctor Light, Tupac and Jessica Simpson died.
BTW, I'm so sorry you couldn't keep your woman happy and now you have to judge women based off of her appearance and capacity for cooking and cleaning. This is definitely the fault of all womankind. I'm also sorry your Mom was a walking vagina who couldn't teach you how to spell.
Personality and traitsEdit
- "I can see no reason why Mary wants to drive... it's only ten metres from the kitchen to the bedroom..."
- ―Spiderman about his wife.
Duela Dent was a schizophrenic woman. Not only did her story change, but her name, continuity, ideals, sensibility and even gender changed upon occasion. Although Harlequin did only assume the guise of a man once, to be fair. Some people consider her crazy, but she's nowhere near as crazy or strange and twisted as
<insert name here>
these bastards. Duela Dent got bored pretty easily, and had to change her story to keep herself interested. But that's fine, isn't it, because we all lie chronically twenty-four hours a day, don't we?
Having bedded so many people, some people considered Duela Dent a whore. But this was very unfair; Duela charged reasonably high prices, and only did things she wouldn't normally have done to Bateman after being incredibly drunk! And what's a little bit of promiscuity between friends? Nothing, that's what, and don't you deny it! Sadly, Baleman never chose to be interested in Duela, because she wasn't a blonde hooker. Or a dirty blonde hooker. No. She was a firecrotch.
Duela liked spandex, like a lot of people in New York and Gotham City seem to. Unlike Bateman, however, spandex seemed to suit Duela, accentuating her voluptuous curves. I can't see what people find attractive in Duela, though. What's so attractive about her curvaceous figure with wide hips, large breasts, shining red hair and beautiful face? Some people have no standards. God.
Talents and abilitiesEdit
- "Talents? What talents?"
- ―Duela on her (lack of) talents.
Duela had the ability to seduce men. Duela had the ability to have babies. Duela had the ability to run. Duela had the ability to swap continuities. But most of all, yeah most of all, oh most of all...
We like the way she talks!
Duela could talk for hours. Duela could talk about more random things than Ann Rice on a good day. She could tell you all about her parenthood and past life, her childhood and life as an inhabitant of Gotham City. Or New York city. Or Baghdad, depending on what day you met and spoke to her on. She also had the ability to punch people with silver metal arms.
But she couldn't defeat Doomsday...
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